Why I’m Not Following You Back On Twitter

My general rule for people who follow me on Twitter is this:  If you follow me, I’ll follow you back. But there are some exceptions to that rule, and here they are:

1. You’ve never “tweeted” anything.

It’s always surprising to me when someone follows me on Twitter who has never posted anything, but who has “followers.”  Thanks for following me but if I “follow you back,” I’m not really following anything.  ..Because you haven’t tweeted anything.  Start tweeting and I’ll start following.

2. We don’t speak the same language.

It’s not personal. It’s just that I won’t understand a word you’re saying.  I know a little Spanish and a little French, but not enough to get by.  I wish I was bi-lingual, but I’m not. But it is cool that you are, since you’re following me.  I may change my mind on this one, but for now I just no comprende’ votre language.  See?  I’m mixing it up, already.

3. You’re obviously SPAM, or misrepresenting yourself.

I don’t mean it’s a problem if you’re a parody tweeter like “The Bronx Zoo’s Cobra.” That’s awesomeness.  I mean it’s a problem if your profile pic is a stock photo and your tweets are fortune cookie sounding statements interspersed with links to the same product that is “amazing.”  Wow, really?  Not following.

4. You have no information about yourself.

Who are you?  If you have absolutely nothing about yourself listed in your profile, my first thought is that you’re #3 above.  Even a simple, “I’m just a guy who likes TV” is better than nothing.  If you’re following me and you’re not telling me who you are, you’re kind of creepin’ me out.  Me no follow.

5. You have a risqué profile picture.

If you started following me dressed like this in real life, I’d probably call the cops.  You are absolutely the last thing in the entire world that I need in my life.  Please go away or the person “following you back” will be my wife. And trust me – you don’t want that.  Let’s all just back away calmly now and avoid all the blood that will inevitably be on the carpet if this continues.

Haha – I’m just kidding.

Haha – No I’m not.  Back away.

6. You are a social media expert.

Actually, I might follow you back if I don’t get the impression that I’m just another one of the thousands of people you “follow” for the purpose of having a high number of “followers” so you can tell people that you are a “social media expert.”  You’ll need to tweet a little harder to get my “follow back,” if that’s you.  But don’t worry.  You can do it – you’re an expert. 🙂

Get out there and tweet well, people.  Tweet like the wind.  But Twitter rules are kind of like real world rules.  Be real, be engaged, be helpful and don’t be obnoxious.

If I know you, follow me.  I’ll follow you back. If I don’t know you, follow me.  I’ll follow you back.  But if you fall into one of the “exception categories” I’ve just described, don’t think that if you just “tweet in my ear” I’ll follow you anywhere.